NOTE: This only applies to personal calls and NOT those of a professional-related nature.
I sometimes receive complaints from friends and family that I never call them. And I admit, I am very guilty of this. I need to be better about being in touch. However, here is my answer to that oft-asked question that I hope will unveil the mystery, and may provide some insight for others who have introverted friends who are not real keen on the phone. (Hint: at least 25% or more of the population is introverted, and about 100% of us hate using the phone.) However, please be reassured that it is nothing personal, it does not mean I don’t like you, it does not mean I don’t want to spend time with you.
Aside from the 10 reasons listed in this comic from The Oatmeal, are 5 blunt and honest reasons why I do not call you:
1) I am too tired to deal with the phone. My day starts at 7:30, and while that is not that early, I am NOT a morning person. Sure, you may say you are not a morning person, but I am REALLY not a morning person. I function best between 8:30 PM and 1 AM. Of course, that is not conducive to my work schedule, so I am often extraordinarily fatigued during the week. Between dealing with people and projects at work, dealing with a crowded metro where I get no phone service, getting my gym workout in, I do not even get home til 8:00 PM. And by then I am tired and hungry because I have not had dinner yet, and neither have the cats. And I need a shower. But to get a functional level of sleep, I need to be in bed by 11 PM, which does not give me a lot of time to myself to recharge so I am not coming to work a brain-dead zombie.
2) I am much better at communicating in email, text, Facebook, or Instant Messaging, especially at work. I communicate much better in writing, and I tend to fumble my words when I talk. I also get more of a response when I text or email, which is why I have a much better time communicating using those mediums. But still, it is hard to get hold of people, and they can never get hold of me.
I am not the only one with the busy schedule. Everyone is busy. I have very good friends who never, ever answer their phones, and as a consequence, I never, ever call them. Am I guilty about not being near my phone 24/7? Absolutely, and no one should be expected to wait around for my call. And even if you do answer, the chances that you will be available to meet up for coffee, lunch, whatever at a time when our schedules both permit is so low it almost does not seem worth it. This gets especially worse as friends get married and have kids. By then, there is no point in even trying to call them…
Today, someone who is “good” about answering their phone picks up about 50% of the time. If you are one of those people, you have a 50% higher likelihood that I will actually call from time to time. However, that still leaves a good chance that you will not be available, so I make my assumption that you are busy, which brings me to my third point…
3) I ahbor voicemail. Nothing is more painful than getting some message that the person is “unavailable right now” (aka has more important things to do than talk to you), and then having to turn around and blabber and fumble around awkwardly leaving some message about why I called and whether it is really necessary to have you return my call, thus trying to walk that thin tightrope between blunt curtness and pitiful, irrelevant rambling. So, if I know there is a 50% or more chance I have to deal with the relegation and torture of leaving a voicemail, logic prefers me to not even bother picking up the phone. So I don’t.
4) If I have not spoken to you in a while, I actually want to have a real conversation that lasts more than 5 minutes. I actually want to call you and catch up, but I want more than 5 minutes quality time talking to you. And chances are, you do not have it. However, I know that I cannot get that because we are both very, extremely busy. And I want to call and potentially schedule a time to talk more, but then again, I have to risk the pain of the voicemail. Which loops me back into not wanting to pick up the phone in the first place, unless I need to speak with you urgently.
5) P.S. I really hate it when people use songs instead of the default ring. Because it seems all I ever hear when I am waiting for an answer (or the inevitable voicemail) is some crappy pop like Katy Perry or Nickelback.
So, in sum, I do not call you because neither of us can often reach that sweet spot where the planets align and we can answer our phones, and I find voicemail to be akin to being stabbed in the heart and twisting the knife. Of course, if we are not able to meet in person and the phone is the only want to chat, then it works best to schedule a time to chat that works for both schedules, so no one has to deal with the pain of unrequited phone answering.